Alone

Alone-ness happens for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes it is due to a physical situation; picture life on a ranch in the remote middle of Australia where even your groceries arrive via airplane.  Living where we do, in a huge city among 7 billion other people, that kind of alone is physically impossible.  There is literally nowhere I can go to be completely, totally alone, even when I crave solitude.  So it’s not an actual alone-ness I’m referring to.

I intentionally chose the word “alone,” which simply means “having no one present; on one’s own,” instead of “lonely.”  Lonely, too, can mean “being without company,” but it usually implies an accompanying emotion of bleakness or desolation.  Being alone often does lead to loneliness.  I’ve gone down that road many times, and I never like where it ends.

There are many factors in my specific “alone-ness” equation.  Family, friends, mentors, home church—they are all a world away.  I don’t care how much Skype brags on keeping people connected…it’s not anywhere close to having a face-to-face interaction.  And facebook’s  ((hugs))) are cute but completely unsatisfactory.   It’s true that we have met scores of friendly people here, both expats and nationals, but the fact remains that we are transients in a transient place.  We came to Bangkok knowing that we would be moving on to a more permanent place a year later.  People come and people go.  I’m not complaining, and I’m not bitter-- It’s just the nature of an international city, and the nature of missions, too.

The actual circumstances, however, are irrelevant.  Strip away the cross-cultural components, and there is still plenty of opportunity to find oneself in a season of “alone-ness.” 

It is unfamiliar terrain; I don’t think I have been here before.  No one, not even an introvert, would choose it. At first, I felt sorry for myself as I looked around at what appeared to be a desolate wilderness. I reminded God that He promised this would be good, and reminded myself that I should have asked Him to define “good.”  My mind wandered into the “why?” mode. 

Until Keith tossed out one of his profound one-liners that always stop me in my tracks.  “It is very important to ask the right questions and ‘Why?’ is usually not one of them.”  I thought about that, and realized that God has rarely answered any of my other “Why?” questions.  (Perhaps because they sound an awful lot like whiny complaints with a question mark tacked onto the end.) 

“What is God doing? What is He teaching me?”  Now THAT re-directed my thoughts and prayers.  Even then, I did not get an answer immediately. But I stopped talking so much and started listening more.  I quit being busy for busy-ness’ sake, and sometimes I probably even appeared lazy. 

I looked at the silver ring on the first finger of my right hand.  Engraved around the back are the words from Song of Solomon 6:3 “I am my Beloved’s and He is mine.”  I bought it about a year ago to replace my pinkie “slave ring” (see my previous blog post "Silver Didn't Say It) and have been wearing it ever since.

And then He said, ever so softly, “Come away with me.”  (At the time, I did not realize that, too, is found in Song of Solomon.)

See, I’ve been wearing the ring… but lacking the relationship.  Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve known since childhood that Jesus loves me, and I’ve loved Him back.  I looked forward to going to Heaven and hoped that I wouldn’t mess things up too badly along the way.

I knew the Love that died for me, but had only heard whispers of the Love that keeps me forever no matter what. 

Until He brought me to this place called “alone.”  And here, He speaks to my heart, “I AM more than enough.”

And here, He uncovers a bottomless well.  I didn’t know that I had been merely scratching at the dusty surface, just enough to find a small trickle.

Here is Love.  Lavish love.  Enough for all my days and into eternity.

He was right.  It is good.  Even in “alone” He is here.

“For the Lord comforts Zion; He comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving, and the voice of song.”  Isaiah 51:3